Giving Yourself Credit
In the past week and a half I have encountered several people who wanted an update on my novel, and I noticed I kept minimizing my hard work. I think it's important to be humble, but I found myself wondering why it was so hard for me to take credit for my accomplishment.
People would say, "Wow, it's great you wrote a book!" and I would reply with things like, "Well, it's not published yet." Or, "I didn't have a full time job so I had it easier than most!" Or "Yeah, but I'm not sure it's good enough to get a publishing deal." When in reality, it was really freaking hard and I'm proud of the story I wrote.
As many of you know, I left my job of 15 years to write this book, which means I put a ton of pressure on myself for it to be good. In my head I already picture people commenting negatively, talking about how I spent two years on something and that it might not be worth it. That's a big fear of mine, but honestly, I know my book won't be for everyone, and that's okay. I have worked really hard to overcome perfectionism, and I've made a lot of progress. I can't let what other people may think about me stop me from pursuing my dream of being an author.
Writing a novel without formal training made me uncomfortable so many times. I'm used to being a teacher, an expert in my subject area. There were a lot of times I acknowledged how hard it was for me to sit in a space of "not knowing". Sometimes it would make me shut down, but most of the time it led me to research answers to my questions and teach myself new skills. I kept telling myself that I was capable of learning anything and that a lot of authors do not have English lit or creative writing degrees. The mantra I held close was that everything can be figured out, and I don't have to have all the answers today.
Going into the final days of editing I read my book in its entirety four times in six days. My final word count was 108,921 (about 350 pages depending on font choice). When I last updated you all I was at 125,513. The editor I am working with charges by the word, and she had certain ranges. I had to get under 109k to make it into that bracket of pricing. I still think she is going to tell me to cut more, but I did the best I could with the skills I had. It has always been abundantly clear to me that a professional outsider view is needed because after reading your own work that many times it all starts to get blurry. People have questioned my need to spend money on an editor, but it was never a true question for me. Even the best writers can be humbled by a pro edit. I also know how much better my book got with each round of edits I did, and I know it can be taken another level further with help.
After I sent my book to my editor I felt a great relief, but I was also so tired. My brain felt like scrambled eggs. I spent a few days being a couch potato (as much as one can when also being a mom). I took naps and went and got a massage to celebrate.
My husband was very excited that I had "finished" my book and kept asking how I was feeling. I couldn't even muster up anything to say except that I was happy, but mostly I was just tired. It reminded me of how I felt the first week of summer after the school year ended. My body knew it could finally rest and would just shut down on me. I've since spent some time off of my computer and read a few books for fun, and caught up on a few TV shows as well. Ironically, I have also started thinking about my next book, and I'll keep those ideas for when I'm ready to start anew. :)
Moving forward I want to be better about celebrating how far I've come and that starts now. I'm going to share a few things of what I'm proud of.
-I completed my manuscript to a level that is *almost* ready for publication. Although yes, I was fortunate not to have a full-time job during the past two years, I did have a lot of responsibilities and obligations as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, and co-business manager of Wohlsdorf Builders.
-I enrolled my kids into a new school district that was a better fit for them. It included driving them to and from school every day, which accounted for almost two hours of every day. It also meant learning new systems and procedures, helping my kids navigate making new friends and me making new friends as well.
-My son did a traveling basketball league for the first time. This included practice two times a week for 1.5 hours, of which I had to stay at the gym because it didn't make sense to try to drive home (15 minutes each way). With the drive and practice time, this was about 5 hours a week, plus weekend tournaments out of town that were very time consuming---but worth it. We both learned a lot about the sport and made a lot of new friends.
-I continued to participate in book club, run my Instagram page sharing book reviews and my author journey, and keeping up with this newsletter.
-I worked part-time as a Spanish curriculum developer (celebrated one year in this job in February) and this also forced me to learn a lot of new skills!
But most of all, I'm proud I lived life in a new way, stepped out of my comfort zone and took risks! For someone who is very rule-oriented and often puts themselves last, this was the biggest accomplishment.
